Tuning Up

Just a quick note to let you know the blog will return after the first of the year.

And with some stories to tell, for sure.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to one and all.

Plugging Away

Don't fret boys and girls. I haven't fallen off the wagon again.

Just been extremely busy and honestly when I've remembered that I need to update the blog I'm usually nowhere near my computer. One of the hazards of trying to do everything.

I'm hanging in there. The issue I've run into the last couple of weeks is having good results on the diet Monday through about 5 p.m. Friday. Then when my weekend of work and travel kicks in I've struggled. Big time.

So that's my latest challenge. Weigh-in day tomorrow, so we'll see where we stand and go from there.

Quick Off The Line

Hit the scales this morning, and for the first time in a long time they didn't hit back.

Lost six pounds this week. Now the trick is to keep the momentum heading in the right direction.

Yet Another Scoreboard:

Week 1 - Lost 6

Back On The Scales

Wednesday morning I weigh in for the first time in a week.

I've had a pretty good week. Not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but a huge step in the right direction. As long as I see something positive tomorrow, I'll be happy. Then we'll focus on the bigger numbers.

Tune in for the results.

How I Get Motivated

Made it through my first workout back in the gym today.

Vernon took it easy on me. That's sure to change. I've also had a good day back on the Ultra Fit meal plan. So that's a start.

What is it I've said way too many times in the past? One day at a time. One meal at a time.

The problem, as I'm sure you're all well aware, is motivation. Or to be more precise, lack of it. Finding that extra gear I had for most of 2008 just hasn't happened yet, no matter how many different tactics I take.

Or no matter how much John or anyone else tries to motivate me.

John has been a God-send to me and so many others with his expertise, his caring attitude and his persistence. But the one thing that doesn't work on me is heavy motivational tactics.

They never have. I was never the type of athlete that needed a locker room speech to get me going. I had no problem being motivated to play when the time came, and I honestly thought most of those tactics by coaches were a little lame. That's being as honest as I can be.

That carries over here. John can only do so much. Vernon can only do so much. Ultimately it falls squarely on my shoulders, and no amount of rah-rah or finger-wagging is going to make one bit of difference.

I have to find motivation in other ways, and to this point in 2009 it's been maybe the biggest challenge I've had in my life.

Then, out of the blue, two seemingly innocent incidents - separate of one another - happened in the last two days.

The first, yesterday, was an email I received from a lovely girl named Billie who has been following me on this journey since Day One. She also has weight issues, has had success with Ultra Fit, and was thanking me for - in her words - all I've done for her.

Kinda drives home the point that there are others out there watching, waiting, hoping. Sometimes you feel like you're in this fight alone. Sometimes you don't want to hear from other people.

But Billie's email touched me, as many of her letters have in the past. Perhaps she's my guardian angel during this point of my life. I'm not sure. I just hope she continues to fight and fight and fight some more. Because she's been as much an inspiration to me as she says I've been to her.

The second incident took place this evening.

I was in line at the grocery store and a young man very politely spoke to me, inquiring if he could ask me something personal. It was about my weight loss, and how it was going.

I told him that the last seven months have been a struggle, I'm sure I've put at least 25 pounds back on, and that my shopping cart was full of Ultra Fit plan food, seeing as how I started back on the program today.

He proceeded to tell me that two years ago he lost 160 pounds, doing cardio at the YMCA (he has a heart condition that doesn't let him lift weights) and following a healthy diet. Great story.

Then one night after church, he tells me, he got a craving for pizza. Went and got one, and ate the whole thing. That began a downward spiral that has seen him put back on 250 pounds.

There was a sadness in his eyes as he spoke. He was near tears. He mentioned he enjoyed John's segment on the show, and again reiterated that he just wanted to know how I was doing.

As I left I wished him good luck, and drove home with an gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach. Only this time it wasn't hunger.

It was motivation.

That young man, along with Billie, did more for me in a combined span of probably five minutes than I've done for myself in the past seven months. That's why I did this weight loss effort publicly beginning in Dec. 2007. I wanted to be held accountable. I wanted support. I wanted to share experiences with those going through the same struggles.

How long does the motivation last this time around?

I have no idea.

Again, all I can do is take it one day, one meal at a time. And so far, it's one good day in the books.

Back in the gym at 7:30 a.m. And for the first time in a long time, I'm looking forward to being there.

Snooze Is Over

You can all rest easy. The world can get back to its usual dysfunction.

I go back into the gym with Vernon Monday morning.

I know I chose to do this weight loss program publicly, and that's been a big reason for the success I've had to this point. But you folks also need to remember I don't live everything in public. And like many of you, there are things that happen in my private life which can upset the ol' apple cart.

That's been the case this past month. Lots of stuff going on that I haven't shared with anyone, other than the brief snapshot I gave Vernon. My focus has been elsewhere. The diet has been non-existent. I don't know how much weight I've gained back, but we'll find out Wednesday.

But I'm going back to square one with this thing. No guarantees or pronouncements.

Just a man struggling with his weight and, in many ways, himself.

Ugh!

My weigh-in on Wednesday showed that I've gained 18 pounds back in the last six months.

Time to get serious.

Slight Momentum

Went to workout this morning, and no Vernon.

It's possible that he told me he was going to be out today, but if so it completely slipped my mind. That sort of thing has been known to happen.

In any event, rather than packing up and leaving like I might have done in the past (and, truth be told, might do in the future), I stayed and walked for about 30 minutes around the indoor track. Got a nice little sweat rolling before I had to leave for this morning's radio show.

And while the scales at Coop's weigh on average about five pounds heavier than the ones at Clemson, I was at least able to see that I'm down about three pounds from this time last week. This despite a couple of bad meals over the weekend.

So, I'll accept it as a positive step forward. And I'll get a true weight on Wednesday, as long as the training room is open.

And awayyyyy we goooo....

No Luck At Clemson

Well, as I've tried to restart things again, I wandered over to Clemson today to weigh in and see, exactly, how much weight I've put back on in about six months of fooling around.

The training room was closed. So, I will try again likely on Monday.

Fighting the jitters and urges that come with re-launching this thing (again). But if I can push through it, I'll be okay. Things have calmed down as far as travel and the like, so the atmosphere is right to get back in the groove.

Also, as usually happens with me, I woke up the other morning with the unmistakable feeling that it's time. And that's been the case anytime I've had success in this arena. No forcing motivation. No pep talks. Nothing along those lines.

Just a feeling that the time is right to go. So, I'm going.

And again, I'm taking you all with me.

Shhhhhhhhh

Guess who's been back on his diet and back in the gym for over a week?

Back In Town

Got back in from Arizona late last night. I was gone for six days covering Clemson in the Super Regionals vs. Arizona State.

Talked to Vernon today. We are hitting it hard again starting with Tuesday's workout. Time to quite messing around and feeling sorry for myself. Time to get down to business again.

Had a lot of time to think in the car going and coming, and I think I've turned a corner with my motivation. We shall see.

It's now 7 1/2 months until the Reds Fantasy Camp in Goodyear, Az. Can't do it in the shape I'm in now.

Focus, Dan. Focus.

Catching Up

The quiet momentum I wrote about in my last post went to Hell in a Handbasket with my trip to Durham for the ACC Baseball Tournament.

Again, there is no consistency to be found. And there's still the overwhelming problem of trying to get motivated again. It just isn't happening.

I'm hoping that with baseball season ending sometime in the next 2-3 weeks, depending on how far Clemson advances, that some stability will lead to a routine I can follow.

Of course the bottom line here is that there will always be some obstacle to overcome. It's been true all 17 months I've been battling this thing. It's just that in the past I've been able to get through the abyss.

Now, for the last five months, it's been one step forward and two steps back.

And I'm certainly not going to get anywhere that way.

Sneak Attack

Shhh.

Don't tell anyone, but very quitely I've put together about four good days in a row.

Not earth-shattering by any means. But it's a start. And at this point, any movement forward is good news.

More later. But wanted to let you know I'm around - very busy, but around - and that maybe things are looking up.

Back At It

Sorry for the delay in posts. Baseball has cranked up, and the restaurant in smoking.

I resume workouts tomorrow morning with Vernon after a week away. Then it's off to Raleigh this weekend for baseball at N.C. State.

I still haven't been eating the way I'm supposed to. I have however been extremely active, and that's helped me sort of maintain the status quo.

For some reason, I just can't get the engine running again.

Maybe I need a tune-up.

Trying To Rally

Went back to the grocery store yesterday and reloaded on the proper Ultra Fit-type food. Trying to drag myself out of the muck and get this thing moving back in the right direction.

I appreciate the direct comments from some of you in recent days. Trust me, I welcome all sorts of feedback. When you're trying to find motivation, anything and everything written, said or even thought can be used as a weapon.

However, the unfortunate truth in this situation is that the thing that has made the most impact of late is the death of David Poole.

Poole, 50, dropped dead of a heart attack at his home earlier this week. He was a popular, well-read writer and commentator who made his living covering NASCAR. He was considered the best in the business covering the sport.

Poole was also a very large man.

So to see another person lose the same battle I'm fighting...well, let's just say it got my attention.

I didn't know David personally. But I did, of course, know Anthony Bell. If you've read this blog on a regular basis, you know the backstory there.

Bottom line, it shook me up pretty good.

I don't want to be next. So I've got to find a way to get my head out of my rear end and get rolling again.

For all the good I've done in the past 16 months, none of it will matter if I don't finish the deal.

Sunday Musings

It's becoming more and more apparent that my mind isn't in this thing the way it should be.

I've not had a good week. Only got to work out once because of travel/restaurant duties, and I'm finding it easier and easier to make excuses for making bad decisions with my nutrition.

It's mostly mental. I go back to Christmas Eve, when I did the 10-up and 10-down on the stairs carrying the 50 pounds in weights. Since then it's as if an internal switch flipped, and I can't get it turned on again.

No matter how much I beat up myself, no matter how much I encourage myself, no matter how logically or illogically I look at my situation, I can't find that same motivation.

I don't know what's going to happen, but something better. And quickly.

Because if it doesn't, all hell is liable to break loose.

Quick Update

Just checking in before heading out to church.

Thinking perhaps I should be praying for strength to get me through these next few weeks. Because boys and girls, I'm tired. My feet hurt, my legs hurt, my back hurts...You name it.

Running around like the proverbial headless chicken on a concrete floor all day has been good for calorie burning, but bad for my physical condition.

Yet I think back to a year ago at this time, and there's no way I have done what I'm doing now. It would have been physically impossible.

So again, along with every bump in the road comes some type of encouragement.

It's just taking time to step back, pause a brief moment, and recognize the progress. And that's my issue. At it's core. I tend to look ahead and say, "Wow. I've still got a long, long road ahead."

Sometimes I forget I've come a long way, too.

Time

One thing I've found in the last few days:

When you try to run a restaurant on top of having another job, you don't have time. No time to eat, no time to talk, and no time to waste.

We had our quiet opening Monday, then today had the official Grand Opening. It was a madhouse - which is good for the cash register but bad for any type of routine. It's been that way for the last four days, and though I haven't been able to get in all my meals or stay on any type of regular schedule, I've lost weight. I can feel it. It's all the running around, not having time to think about food.

Hopefully when we get through this week things will smooth out a bit and we'll settle into a workable routine.

In the meantime, it's possible all this has been a blessing as far as my weight loss goes. We'll find out Monday, which is the next time I can hit the scales over at Clemson.

Fighting Through

Checking in quickly so you know I haven't taken the pipe or anything like that.

Trying to get myself geared back up mentally to hit this thing head on again. Spent some of tonight preparing food for the week. I need to keep good meals with me at all times, because now I have the added pressure of the restaurant - which opens at 11 a.m. Monday.

I will weigh in on Wednesday, assess the damage, and try to move forward.

I keep telling myself things are going to be just fine. I keep waiting for myself to believe it.

Naked Truth

I'm scared. Mortified, even.

No matter what I tell myself, no matter how much I set my mind, no matter what John or Vernon say, I can't get motivated and get that edge back.

I'm afraid the switch has flipped off, and I can't turn it back on.

It's frustrating. Good day, bad day. Good meal, bad meal. Over and over again.

I've wasted three months, and I'm beginning to think that maybe this is as far as I'm going to get. The train has left the station, and I feel like I'm left standing on the platform.

How the hell does this happen? I wish I knew the answer.

All I know is I feel that wall building around me again.

And that terrifies me.

Consistently Inconsistent

The scales at Clemson are fixed. I wish they were still broken.

Hit them this morning, and somehow over the past three weeks I've gained back about four pounds or so. Needless to say, I'm not going to get to that 32 pounds by my birthday in two weeks.

But, the only thing to do is to pick myself up and get back after it. As I wrote yesterday, I've got a week's worth of good food prepared, so there's really no excuse moving forward.

For the record I sit at 377 as of this morning, my total pounds lost in 15 months sitting now at 102. Since I peaked out at 112 in December, it's been a constant struggle to maintain the motivation.

But I refuse to give up, even though the thought crosses my mind every single day. I simply can't.

There's too much at stake.

Reappearing

Hello again.

Sorry for the gap in posts, but after watching people around me drop like flies with cold and/or flu, it finally got me last week.

I'm in the press box at the University of Georgia's Foley Field waiting for the Clemson-Georgia game to get underway, and I'll be trying to call the game tonight with less than full voice. Should be fun.

The diet has been just okay over the past week. But last night my wife and I spent nearly three hours cooking Ultra Fit meals and storing them for the week ahead. So my plan is to bounce back strong now that I'm feeling better.

One thing that troubles me, though, is the continued malfunctioning of the scales at Clemson.

While some people are better off not checking their weight often, I have discovered over the last year plus that I feed off those numbers. When I don't have the access to get them, I tend to wander a bit.

So I'm hoping that tomorrow the scales are fixed and I can get a solid look at where I am. Probably a step or two backward, if I had to guess. But still looking for a strong push toward my birthday.

John DeFendis was in rare form during his appearance on my radio show today. His message was aimed at trying to convince people to take the first step toward better health, but it seemed to strike a chord with me, too.

He also sends these little motivational videos (he's big on Rocky movies), and Vernon keeps pounding us with tips and new ways to prepare food.

All the tools are there. Just have to get that consistency back.

Long, Long Night

Catching up on things this morning after a long night at Doug Kingsmore Stadium.

Ended up playing a doubleheader because of rain forecast today (and it is raining), so I didn't get home until after 1 a.m.

Finished up the chicken nuggets last night (and no, they're not McDonald's. They're an Ultra Fit recipe).

Did have one quick detour off the straight and narrow, but it was out of necessity. As you know, my wife and I are opening a restaurant and we are toying with the menu possibilities. She brought me a BBQ sandwich we're contemplating serving for me to try, so I did eat that last night as well.

Not on the diet, but chalk it up to research. Flimsy excuse, I know.

Anyway, the scales at Clemson are still on the blink. Hoping I can weigh in tomorrow morning. I feel like I've had two good weeks, but haven't been able to get tangible proof of the results.

But the workouts continue on a regular basis, and I continue to strive for the perfect week on the diet.

To that end, today began with two Ultra Fit style chicken fajitas for breakfast.

Will update the menu as we go forward throughout the afternoon and evening.

Tuesday Menu Continues

Two more meals in the books today.

1 p.m. - Chicken and broccoli pasta and a salad

4 p.m. - Two more fajitas and a few chicken nuggets.

Rest of the evening will be hit and miss. In the press box for Clemson baseball, and because of rain expected tomorrow they've decided to play a doubleheader today. So, it's 18 innings (at least) on the radio.

Will be munching on chicken nuggets when the opportunity arises.

Tuesday Menu

Began the day with a 7:30 a.m. workout with Vernon, then headed to the office. My meals today are/have been:

8:30 a.m. - Two Ultra Fit chicken salad sandwiches.

Monday Monday

Popped over to Clemson to grab a look at the scales this morning, and they're on the fritz.

They are doing the same thing as last Monday - the digital numbers running up and down at a frantic pace and never settling on a final score. So I can't tell you what I've accomplished, if anything, over the last week.

But, in the interest of trying to make the best of it, I've decided on a new twist in the ol' blog:

Beginning today, and for the next few days, I'm going to log everything I eat. Good and bad.

My goal? To have as near a perfect week as I can.

Remember, on the Ultra Fit plan I'm supposed to eat five meals a day - four of them a balance of protien and carbs, and the final meal in the evening without the carbs.

So, the log begins here. I'll actually enter breakfast and lunch, because I know where I'm going today when the show is over and what I'm going to have when I get there:

TUESDAY

Meal #1 (8:30 p.m.) - Two Ultra Fit chicken salad sandwiches on low sodium Ezekiel Bread.

Meal #2 (1 p.m.) - Lunch at Ruby Tuesdays. Plain grilled chicken breast, plain baked potato, unseasoned steamed broccoli and the salad bar.

Meal #3 (4:30 p.m.) - Ultra Fit home-made popcorn chicken.

Meal #4 (8:30 p.m.) - Two Ultra-Fit chicken fajitas and a few leftover chicken nuggets.

Weigh-In Delay

Couldn't weigh-in today. The training room at Clemson was locked up. The students are on spring break, which probably explains it. But it was open on Monday. So I don't know.

I do know that I had a good week. I'm going to pop over there tomorrow and see if maybe it's open. Regardless, I feel like I've got some good momentum going. My attitude is better than it's been in a long time.

Oh, by the way...Called a no-hitter on Clemson radio tonight. It came two weeks after they missed getting one by one strike vs. Furman.

Got my voice attached to a piece of school history. Pretty cool, if you ask me.

Catching Up

Talked to Vernon about the last week, and told him that despite the trouble last Saturday I still was showing almost a two-pound loss Tuesday morning.

Did fine with the diet during the day Tuesday. But did drink quite a bit of water late (had a ballgame on the radio...gotta keep the pipes lubricated).

He figured it was probably temporary water retention, something that seemed to make sense once I hopped on the scales Thursday morning for a quick look. So no real frustration here. Just trying to keep everything between the white lines.

Another big challenge coming up next weekend, though. Clemson baseball travels to Tallahassee for a series with Florida State, so I'll be eating on the road for three days.

Preparation is the key. I'll be doing a lot of pre-cooking before we leave next Friday morning.

Anyway, the belated update is below. Thanks for continuing to check in. The support means more than any of you know.

The Scoreboard:

Week 1 - Lost 5
Week 2 - Lost 4
Week 3 - Lost 0

Weigh-In Day

Checked in with the scales today. I'm exactly where I was last week. The weekend killed me. Will update with more details later.

Issues

Not sure Wednesday is going to be a very good day. I've had some issues this week.

Most notably on Saturday.

We took off for Lexington, Ga. to visit a BBQ restaurant we read about in a book called Southern Belly. It's a guide to out of the way places around the South, and since Angie and I are opening a BBQ restaurant of our own we've been trying to visit other places when the opportunity arises.

I had anticipated being able to eat chicken while there, and took the necessary sides/condiments to make it happen. Only the place doesn't have chicken. Only BBQ and ribs. So I'm stuck.

Then, as if that wasn't bad enough, we were out so long that we ended up eating again. And I was thoroughly unprepared.

All of which brings up two very strong reminders"

- I still can't be trusted
- I can't allow myself to be put in those positions.

Anyway, had a good day yesterday and plan to close strong today and Tuesday. And if it turns out I get knocked down, I'll get right back up and start again.

No six-week funk this time.

Another Good Week

Sorry for the week between posts.

As some of you know, my wife and I are in the process of opening a restaurant - a little BBQ place not too far from here. And it's taking up an incredible amount of time.

But my focus remains good. Today was weigh-in day, and the scales show I've lost four more pounds.

That's nine in the last two weeks, continuing toward my short-term goal of losing 32 pounds by my birthday on April 14. And it's back up to 107 total pounds lost.

Nice to have back-to-back weeks in the black again. Gotta keep pushing forward...

The Scoreboard:

Week 1 - Lost 5
Week 2 - Lost 4

Back On Track

Quick update before first pitch of Clemson-Wofford here at Doug Kingsmore Stadium.

Weighed in today, and I lost 5 pounds this past week. Was almost close enough to round off to six, but not quite. Still, mentally seeing that crooked number on the right side of the scoreboard means a lot.

The motivation to keep it going has kicked back in.

So, that's five down on my attempt to lose 32 pounds by my birthday on April 14. It also puts me back to 103 total pounds lost.

The New Scoreboard:

Week 1 - Lost 5.

New Momentum?

Not to jump the gun, but a courtesy look at the scales this morning shows I'm back on the straight and narrow.

It's good to see. I've been working out hard with Vernon, and I'm really enjoying the morning sessions on Tuesday and Thursday. Seems to help get the day kick-started.

Also, last week was the first time I've worked out the scheduled three days per week in about a month. And getting the early sessions is going to keep me from missing in the future because of schedule problems.

I should also mention that my wife has played a huge part in getting me back on track. She has really gone above and beyond of late to go deep into the recipes provided to us, helping me get significantly more variety that the past 2-3 months. It has made a huge difference.

It's nice to be back on the right track.

Remember, the short-term goal is 32 pounds by my birthday on April 14.

Right now, I'm feeling confident I can pull it off.

The Truth Hurts

Well, hit the scales this morning. The results weren't pretty.

Weighed in at 381 pounds. That means since Christmas I've put on 14 pounds, which shows you just how quickly everything can go to hell in a handbasket. What's that, seven weeks or so?

Scary. And this is after dropping 2-3 pounds since Monday morning.

Oh well, there's nothing I can do about it except get back on the stick. Which I have been for the last two days.

So 381 will be the starting point for our second go-round. My short-term goal this week is to get 4-5 pounds off and get back above the 100-pound lost mark.

I'll begin with a new scorecard next week.

Back At It

Started the Ultra Fit diet plan at 100 percent dedication again yesterday.

I've also had my first morning workout with Vernon. That was today. Didn't really like getting up earlier than usual, but by the time I was done it seemed to have a positive effect on the rest of my day. Had a lot of energy for my show today, and just seem to be more upbeat.

Don't know how much of that is physical and how much is mental, but I'll take it. Any forward movement is welcome at this point.

I hit the scales in the morning, and I'll be back on my regular Wednesday weigh-ins.

No more ducking and dodging.

Gonna try to meet my mistakes head on and get the momentum rolling in the right direction again.

Getting Back In The Game

Had a long, long talk with John DeFendis late this week.

Just came out and flat told him what I've been dancing around here for the past few weeks. My motivation is waning. I'm struggling to keep moving forward.

I'm scared to death I'm going to undo all the good I've done and be miserable again.

Fortunately, as much as he likes to talk (and boy, does John like to talk), he's also a good listener. And during our two hours together he anticipated virtually every issue or roadblock I had. He had comforting, reassuring words for everything.

I can't tell you how much better I feel now. In the last six weeks or so I've gained back probably 7-10 pounds. Won't know for sure until Monday. But then I'll be resuming the program full bore, without excuses. My regular weigh-ins will resume on Wednesday.

One of the things we've done, at John's suggestion, is set some short-term goals to go along with my long-term goal - which is to be in great shape by late Jan. 2010 so I can participate in the Cincinnati Reds Fantasy Camp out in Arizona.

But the short-term goals are designed to keep me motivated along the way.

First up?

My birthday is April 14. He wants me to lose at least 32 pounds between now and then.

The game is back on.

Quick Update

I know it's been a week since I last updated the blog, but I've been trying very hard to keep my nose to the grindstone.

First of all, I've had the best diet week in a month. I know I've lost some of the weight that I put back on, but I still haven't gone to the scales. As I said earlier, I'm trying to focus more on getting the process back on track. If I do that, the results will come.

I've also been back in the gym with Vernon twice after a two-week layoff. That has helped matters immensely, though I would be lying if I said it wasn't hard going back.

Amazing how quickly one can get "fat and lazy" again.

Anyway, I will probably resume weigh-ins this Wednesday. I really want to have a strong finish to the week and see how things shake out.

After weeks of talk, I feel like I'm finally headed in the right direction again.

Strikes and Spares

If you've never had an issue with your weight it's likely you don't understand the mental ups and downs that come with an effort to drop major pounds.

And to be perfectly honest, I thought that aspect - the mental struggle - was rubbish.

I'd see people on television, or even come across them in public, who spoke with great emotion about the difficulties they were facing; about the feelings of failure that came with even one slip up, and how great was the temptation just to chuck it all and go back to that unhealthy lifestyle for good.

I can't tell you the number of times I wanted to grab one of those people by the collar, shake them violently, and yell "Get over yourself! If you want to lose weight, do it!"

All the while, mind you, I'm ignoring the fact that I'm slowly growing to the size of a small iceberg.

So to say I have a bit of a different perspective now would be something of an understatement. Those of you who have followed this blog for any length of time have seen me go through incredible highs and terrible lows - sometimes within the span of a week.

And many of you at one time or another have wanted to grab me by the neck and give me a good, hard shake.

Trust me. I've wanted to assault myself. And at times I have. There are times that pistol-whipping myself back in line has been effective.

But more often than not it's something smaller, significantly more subtle, that gets the message through my thick skull.

And last night was one of those moments.

Don't ask me how, but last evening my wife and I ended up "glow bowling" with a group of young people from our church. Glow bowling begins at midnight. They kill the house lights, get the disco ball and other such lighting fired up, and basically you bowl as much as you can until 2 a.m.

Flash back to about three years ago, which would be the last time I went bowling.

It was a disaster. We rolled three games, and by time it was done I could barely walk. I had zero stamina, my back and knees were killing me, and I got worse and worse as the day wore on.

It was embarrassing. I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe and - worse - for someone who used to be extremely athletic and competitive, I was just awful.

I left the bowling alley that day both in pain and feeling sorry for myself.

So last night I wasn't sure what to expect. Besides the fact that it was so late (we old folks are used to getting in bed well before midnight), I just wasn't sure what that kind of physical activity would do to my body.

I was pleasantly surprised.

There were six of us confined to one lane, so we basically got 2 1/2 games in before the deadline. And I got stronger and better as the late night wore on.

Took me a while to get going. Couldn't find a consistent release point and I was horrible in the first game. But began to find something of a groove as the second game wore on, and ended up rolling a 143 despite the fact that I did get a strike the entire way. But I did pick up the spare in each of the last six frames.

It was during that stretch that I had my mini-epiphany.

It began to dawn on me that I was getting stronger as the frames rolled by. There was no pain, no shortness of breath. None of the things that made my last attempt at the game so horrible.

And best of all, to me anyway, my competitive juices started flowing again. One of the guys with us had blown all of us away in the first game, rolling something like a 170. And he jumped out to a pretty good start in the second game.

But as I hung around that old feeling came back. For the first time in a long time. I began to play mental games with him ("Hey man, don't think about all that open space to the left. You can get that single, lonely pin and pick up the spare"), and sure enough he started to think. And when he did, his game fell apart.

At the same time, mine was getting better and I came from about 30 pins down to beat him with the 143.

In the third game, I had gone 9/spare, 9/spare, 9/spare, 8/spare and 5/spare in the first five frames before we hit the time limit. Eleven straight frames over two games picking up the spare.

Folks, there was a time in my life when I bowled quite a bit. My high game is somewhere in the 190s. I'd never had a stretch like that in my life.

And trust me, the scores are irrelevant. I'm a horrible bowler, and I know it.

But it was the situation. The culmination of events. The fact that while all those young people - ages 17-24 - were wearing down at 2 a.m., I was getting stronger.

Seems like a little thing, but to me it was a bit of positive reinforcement that I've been sorely needing.

This morning I'm feeling better - mentally - than I have in weeks.

All it took was a good shaking.

Basics

Still here kids. Just taking some time to reorganize myself.

Intentionally stayed away from the scales today. I'm trying to focus more on the process and less on the results.

Over the last month I've slipped back into many of my old habits. I'd be good for a day, then bad for two. Over and over. And I've picked up about seven pounds, as my corrected scorecard detailed a few posts back.

I'm happy to say that I've made better decisions and, hopefully, progress in the last 4-5 days.

I took notice a while back that the diet I started has morphed into something totally different. So, the focus this week is getting back to basics.

What do I say?

One meal at a time, one day at a time.

Gotta quit just saying it and start living it again.

Traveling Man

Hello from Boston.

About 15 hours on the road today, dad in tow. And actually did very well in the food department.

I've had about three solid days in a row now, which is much better than I had been averaging over the last 3-4 weeks. If I could figure out why I go into these moods, and why I struggle so much with discipline, I'd be a rich man. But I'm sure everyone has the same issues.

I just hate taking steps backwards. And I hate how I feel when I fall off the wagon, even a little.

So, trying to be positive. Trying to be upbeat. Trying to keep things moving in the right direction.

In the morning dad and I are touring Fenway Park. Then it's the Clemson women's game at Boston College tomorrow night. Then on the road again toward home Saturday morning.

What's my mantra? One meal at a time. One day at a time.

Oh, incidentally, I didn't just skip the weigh-in yesterday. I was running late and didn't get to Clemson. Had to go directly to the studio.

We will cover it all next Wednesday.

Hopefully that will be good news.

Mathematical Error

Math has never been one of my strong suits. This morning I got a stunning reminder of that fact.

Getting on the scales last week something didn't quite seem right, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Somehow the numbers weren't adding up.

So this morning I went back and started tracking previous posts and found the problem. In one of my last posts in December, I put the wrong number down on a weigh-in. It should have read 367, but I put down 377. Which caused me to operate off of that number in ensuing posts.

What does it mean?

Well, for starters it means that not only did I NOT hold serve for the three weeks over the holidays, I actually gained weight. Seven pounds, to be exact.

So the Year Two Scorecard actually should read like this:

Week 1 - Lost 3
Week 2 - No Weigh-In (Traveling)
Week 3 - No Weigh-In (Traveling and Holidays)
Week 4 - Gained 7 (Covers previous two weeks)

Pains me to write that, but facts are facts.

And the facts are that I've spent the better part of a month falling back into my old ways. And it's showing on the scales.

As you might imagine, this morning's revelation has been a smack in the face. However, I think it's a good thing.

It has brought home the fact - perhaps more clearly than ever - that I'm in a daily battle with this thing. And no amount of harping, yelling or supporting by anybody means a damn thing if I don't take care of myself.

I could be overly dramatic and say that I'm at a crossroads, or some nonsense like that.

But the fact is that for the last month I've simply been a slacker. And once the bad habits have crept back in, it's difficult to get back on the straight and narrow.

That's my focus.

That's my goal.

That needs to be my life.

Settling Back In

Trying to get back into a good groove again on the diet, with mixed results.

Actually, it hasn't been a bad week so far. One or two little hiccups here or there, but nothing overly extravagant. Much better than the previous three weeks, to be sure.

But still not perfect. And while I may never have the perfect week, my mindset should be to strive to come as close as I can. And I feel like I'm getting back to that way of thinking, the way I attacked this thing in the first few weeks after the switch.

The proof will be in the pudding, though. Or rather, in the lack of pudding - and any other type of non-Ultra Fit meal.

My next challenge is coming up later this week.

On Wednesday after my workout I'm leaving for West Virginia. After spending the night with my parents, my dad and I are taking off for Boston for a women's game on Friday.

So, that means trying to eat well on the road again for an extended number of days, something I failed miserably at over the holidays.

But, it's a new opportunity for success. Let's hope I can take advantage of it.

In the meantime, it's going to be good spending the time with my dad. He seems to be getting along pretty well, although he has pretty much stopped his weight loss attempts. He got up to about the 60-pound mark and stalled. He's probably put 10 or so of those pounds back on.

Still, he's in better shape than he was a year ago. And dieting aside, I'm just looking forward to the time together.

Having lived away from home for nearly 20 years now, I don't get these opportunities very often.

I plan to enjoy every minute of it.

Back On The Scales

Funny what just a few days back on the straight and narrow will do for you.

Hit the scales this morning, resuming my official Wednesday weigh-ins. And despite all the angst and emotion I put myself through the last three weeks, this morning I'm down three more pounds.

That's 115 total, and 58 since joining the Ultra Fit Plan. I've now lost more in 19 weeks on Ultra Fit than I did in just over nine months on my own.

Can't tell you how good it was to see that number this morning.

The Year Two Scorecard:

Week One - Lost 3
Week Two - No Weigh-In (Holidays/Traveling)
Week Three - No Weigh-In (Traveling)
Week Four - Lost 3

Confidence Boost

Maybe I'm doing better than I thought. Or maybe I'm just lucky.

In spite of myself, I dropped in on the scales over at Clemson this morning. I figured enough was enough. Let's see how much damage I've done in the last three weeks, deal with it, and move on.

Well, it turns out that I weighed exactly as much this morning as I did at my last official weigh-in.

Haven't gained a pound, in spite of eating the way I've been eating since before the New Year.

I fully expected to see a 4-5 pound gain. Instead, I've held serve.

Holding serve isn't good enough anymore, but I'd be lying if I said I was both relieved and encouraged.

So it's possible that by Wednesday I can be down a pound or two. We'll see.

Right now, I'm focusing on getting in a good Ultra Fit lunch and a solid workout today.

Checking In

I haven't gone away (much to the chagrin of many, I'm sure).

Just taking a break for a while. I didn't weigh in on Wednesday, but I'm happy to say I'm back on the proper nutrition plan.

I've just decided to take a couple of weeks away from the scales. I want to get my mind right again, focusing more on the proper eating habits.

As I'm sure you've noticed, when things go poorly I have a tendency to obsess. One bad meal becomes two. One bad day becomes two. And on and on.

A year-plus into the process I figured I'd have willpower the size of Gibraltar.

Instead, that part of the battle seems to be as tenuous as it was on Day One.

I guess that's why some say fighting a weight problem is akin to an alcohol or drug addiction. John even mentioned it in a reply to my last post. I never really believed that. In fact I thought people who said as much were being overly dramatic.

Shows what I know. Despite cracking triple digits in lost weight, I can't shake the habit of obsessing over each little setback. And with me, the obsession leads to bad decisions. And that leads to weight gain.

So, as mentioned I'm trying to refocus. Not worrying about the number of pounds for a couple of weeks, but paying more attention to the proper food intake and schedule.

It's worked so far. For the most part anyway. The last 2-3 days have been much, much better.

And so it goes. I've written it so often I should have it quick-keyed. But here it is again:

One meal at a time. One day at a time.

Ad infinitum.

Perspective

If I sat down and made a list of my enemies, I don't know how many there would be.

That's always a dangerous subject anyway, because you really never know who hates your guts. Most folks don't have the cajones to tell you. They hit and run, so to speak.

Anyway, that's not the point.

If I could make a list of my enemies, I may not know how many to write down. But I do know who would be at the very top.

Me.

I am my own worst enemy.

Not in the breaking the diet sense. In the self-inflicted stress sense.

Here's what I mean:

When I started the weight-loss process in late Dec. of 2007, I finally came to the realization that I wasn't in a race. I wasn't going to take off all the necessary pounds in just a matter of months, because it took over 20 years to get to that 479 mark I topped out at.

I finally accepted the fact that it was going to be a long process to get it off, and then a lifetime of work to keep it off.

There have been ups and downs along the way. The good weeks are an incredible high. The bad weeks - some of them anyway - have been terrible lows. But for the most part I've been able to stay on something of an even, albeit unsteady, keel.

So this holiday season comes along, and for the last 10 days or so I've not done well at all. In fact, I'll have gained weight when I hit the scales Wednesday morning for my first weigh-in in two weeks.

And as each slip-up accumulated into this bad stretch, I allowed myself to slip back into the "I'm failing, I'll always be fat" mindset. Spent a good deal of time feeling sorry for myself, to be honest with you.

But no more.

Today, while driving from Clemson to Titusville, Fla. (I have a game to broadcast in Miami tomorrow), I had a long time to mentally hash things out in my head. It was quite the battle, me vs. my psyche.

But about three-quarters of the way through the trip - as corny as this sounds - I felt a sudden peace come over me. And within that peace, I determined that I wasn't going to mentally whip myself anymore.

I'm not in a race. I'm not on anyones time schedule but my own.

Yes, I know John and Vernon want the weight to come off me as quickly as possible. And yes, I know the closer I stick to the Ultra Fit program the better, more rapid success I have.

I also know they both read this blog, and guys, I promise you. I'm there with you. I want the weight off, and I'm going to see the program through, and I'm going to make you proud and be another shining example of your success.

But what I'm not going to do is kick myself all over the East Coast because I've had a bad stretch.

Beginning right now, it goes in the books for what it is. Black and white. Nothing more.

If I take eight more months to get the rest of the weight off instead of six, or even a year, so be it.

What's a couple of extra months compared to the rest of my life?

Now understand, I'm fully intending to get back on the straight and narrow and get this done based on the proven Ultra Fit timetable.

The point of this whole manifesto is simply this:

I'm finished beating up myself mentally over every bad meal or bad day.

If I screw up, I'll acknowledge it, get right back up on the proverbial horse, and take off again.

I keep reminding myself, just like others have reminded me in recent days, that I've done a hell of a lot of good in the first year.

Sometimes those accomplishments get obscured in the heat of the moment. And trust me, I'm still big enough to cast a shadow large enough to obscure pretty much anything.

But not where I've come from, and where I want to go.

Those destinations are more clear than ever today.